An Easy Rainy Day

I’m in a strange mood today. Since there is rain in the area, I think the weather is influencing my day. I just have a blah feeling. I don’t have training for the next two days but I’m not feeling the need to get any work done. It’s an hour before I can conceivably get sucked into a Law and Order: SVU marathon on ION television and that prospect seems like a life drainer.

I’m not feeling hungry for anything nor a craving for anything. I really don’t want this to be a blah day but with no motivation, no real goals and I’m even caught up on the writing, I don’t have a reason to do anything. Even the stuff I ordered from Amazon last week aren’t do in until next week, so I have no anticipation of exciting arrivals to brighten up the day.

I checked on Amazon and my products should get shipped out today, so the desk lamps and the new X-Wing miniatures should arrive by next week. The miniature order was not anticipated. I saw a new series was available but one part of the package was sold out on the official site. When I went to Amazon I saw all three were available so, in keeping with getting the whole pack, I had to purchase to ensure I could keep all pieces in the collection.

There are a few times when I say I want to be a bum for the day but I end up working on some project I had on the back burner. Other than studying for work on Monday, which I have set up for tomorrow, this is the first time in a long time I have no plans for anything. Back in the alcohol days, this would be an excuse to booze it up but I don’t have a craving to do that. Last week I had a similar feeling and I ended up purchasing a needed laptop. Can’t afford that today.

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Week 2 at New Job

This the end of the second week on my new job. The best way to describe the past week was I didn’t know how much I forgot and I haven’t gotten a clear path as to remembering the stuff I have forgotten.

I haven’t done this type of tech work in years, but I have been able to figure out how to solve the issues in time. I’m getting frustrated with myself because I have to talk it out on what I need to look for, what steps I need to go through to solve the issues. Let’s face it, I went through the same issue on my last job and it took some time to get myself oriented and to find my own way of doing things. That’s what I keep reminding myself but I still feel lost and stupid because I know this stuff.

Maybe the injury late last year messed me up more than I realized. I can see in my head what I want to say, I have the words in my head but when I try to say something coherent it gets jumbled and rambling. Now, I say my incident last year may be the cause, but that might be overly dramatic as to the real issue. I think the past two years has made me more of an introvert than I was previously.

OK, so people that knew me from my old job are probably thinking no way that I was an introvert. How I would explain the statement is at my old job, it was frustrating to talk on the phones because we were dealing with people who didn’t care to pay attention. It got to a point where I got stronger because I was facing people who didn’t listen, didn’t want to listen nor would, for the most part, do the basic troubleshooting to solve the issue. What I always said was really annoying about the situation was the people that called has basic knowledge of the issues and knew what we were expecting. These were not random customers unaware of issues but employees who knew the procedures.

Now that I’m in a new environment and culture by perspective is altered. I mean, changing jobs would be an environment change of course, but I don’t have the confidence because I am unsure of the path to solve the issues, thus I’m hesitant to answer questions or make decisions because I don’t want to make the wrong answer. Of course, the only way to learn the right answer or paths to the right answer is to risk making missteps so I can learn.

I’m trying to slowly push forward and not stay hesitant. Next week, when we’re doing phone/customer training, that will be the real test. I’ll have to work around my hesitations and do the job.

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A New Chapter

A bunch of exciting things going on early this morning. BTW it’s five min before 0100 am. The big thing I’m working on now is getting photos prepared for the next round of Star Citizen articles. It was something I was putting off until later, but I had to hunker down and just put my nose to the grindstone.

The reason I put the photos off was because to get the work done right I had to learn, finally, Photoshop. Up until a few months ago I had a Photoshop like program that worked fine for me. That program developed a bug and wasn’t recognizing jpeg files. I had to start learning and while I’m not an expert, the program has gotten easier to use. I should be caught up with all the photos in a day or two.

If you know my work schedule, you might wonder why I’m up so early, since I should be at work in a few hours. Well, that is the real big news of the week. I will have this weekend off, which is why I’m up early on a Saturday, because I have a new job. I will be starting the new job on Monday.

I had a chance meeting with a former co-worker who told me about his job and he figured I might want to explore the option. I put in the application, did an interview and got a call back for a second interview Thursday morning. By Thursday afternoon I got offered the job and I accepted.

It has been a wonderful almost two year run at my former job. It was sometimes challenging but I put my mind to it and could thrive in the environment, at least I think I did. Considering the support from people when I gave the announcement I’m pretty sure I did well. Now it’s time to open a new chapter of my work environment.

For at least a month I will be training at the new job, but then, by coincidence, I will be working my old schedule! It wasn’t something I asked for, but when I was told my schedule it was too funny. The time is a little different, I work afternoons instead of morning, but I’m OK with that.

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Some Updates

In the next three weeks I’ll hit the comic shop. It’s been a long time since I was there. There has been lots of issues occupying my time. I’ve been working a lot the past month. I’ve been doing overtime and the paychecks are really reflecting the improved productivity, but I’m still not making a significant dent on paying bills. Actually, I should clarify the statement a little. I’m not getting ahead as I want to be. I’m paying bills but I’m not at the level where I want to be; where I can close the gap significantly on the expenses I have. I think in the next month I might get some breathing room on the bills.

Something I’m determined to do going forward is to have a little fun. I honestly didn’t realize how I miss having random acts of fun. Back in the day (which was months ago) all I had to do was go to the local bar, have a few drinks, and the hijinks would happen. I’m not doing that now and there are less opportunities for me to go all wild. On the flip side, I’m not spending any extra money on drinks.

It looks like if I drink and I’m poor and not drinking and I’m bored, I’ll take bored.

Within the month I will probably finish the third “season” of my Star Citizen project. It has been fun, creative challenge and eye opening as to the possibilities of the project. I have a few ideas kicking in my head about ways to expand my little corner of the game, and now that I’m almost two years ahead on the stories I was preparing for phase two, phase one was getting the groundwork set up for my avatar for the game, I’m starting to think about my phase three direction.

The thing I’m hoping to do by the end of the year is to get mobile again. When I got my backpack taken, it was a discouraging setback, but there was a silver lining to the terrible incident. I’ve had a chance to evaluate and think smarter about regaining a lot of the items I had to replace. With any luck, by the end of the year I will replace a major component for mobility.

Unfortunately, I will not attend the San Diego Comic Con this year. After having such a long streak, over 30 years, missing two years in a row has been disappointing. Last year it was a simple date mistake on my part, but, considering I was able to be hang out in Cleveland for the Republican Convention, it was a tradeoff I was OK with. This year, I probably could have worked harder to negotiate the option of attending, but with family health issue that occurred in February and April, and this is something I don’t think I would have said five years ago, the San Diego Comic Con had to take a back seat to family concerns.

Next year I’m going to try to attend, but with the continuing health concerns in the family, I can’t plan too far in the future.

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One Step at a Time

For the past fifteen minutes I listened, mostly. Someone whom I’ve talked to often at work, spoke to me to me today. It was catching up time. It seemed like months, but realistically a week or three, since we have sat down, chewed the fat and caught up on things going on in our lives.

Truth be told, I’m not very forthcoming. My life is a boring, open book. There aren’t very many changes in my life, and when there is occasion for something new to happen it is quick, simple and resolved. She has the drama of a children and of a significant other, which leads to all sorts of insights and emotional currents in her life.

I like listening to her because, on the one hand, I can thank my lucky stars I don’t have that much drama in my life! Considering my house is a right bit messy right now, and for the occasional crazy cat action, my life is boring, routine and I’m more or less happy with that. When I hear the drama she faces, and rides it out with style and gusto, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t handle things with the same calm style.

On the other hand, she has a shoulder to cry on, someone to share the joy of her children. She has friends that she can let loose with, people to talk with. That is something missing from my life. I think I push people away more than being a social pariah or a naturally distant individual. I’ve been so guarded in my life, it’s difficult to be me. Look, I’m trying to rein in a lot of emotions because of the incident in April and the few months leading up to that. For now, that’s how I have to roll.

But, as a friend, it was good catching up on her life. It was good to feel what it was like to have a friend. Not to be maudlin, but my people skills of late have been imperfect. I’ve been scared venturing out, meeting people and opening up. That’s the real skill for me. I’m not going to promise anything, and more than likely most people won’t see a change, but I will try to open up, a little. Baby steps, it will take baby steps.

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Trying to Save and The Need to Replace

I started off the morning getting email saying that my website hosting is up for renewal. It comes up every two years and it seems every two years the company has a reason for increasing the fee close to $100, meaning every year hosting goes up $50. Honestly, this time I’m paying under protest and I’ve made a note to myself on my calendar to seriously look at alternative options in May. I’ll have to years to decide if I want to stay with my current hosting, and I will make an attempt to discuss the issue with my provider at the end of the week.

The timing for this is bad, considering the personal issues I’m dealing with. I did place an order on Amazon for a few items which I probably will need soon. I’ve had them picked out soon after the theft I had last year and they are replacement items that were taken. I would have waited later to get them, but if there is need for me to travel suddenly, the items are getting are necessary. The bright spot, kind of, is because I worked overtime yesterday, I have “extra” money to buy the items.

So, by next week I will have a replacement for my travel TSA approved backpack. Here’s something funny/sad about that. The original one I had was black/red and when I searched Amazon for the replacement months ago, I wanted to try another color scheme and picked black/grey. This morning I figured I should change back to the black/red, because the red really stands out in a crowd of backpacks and would be easy to spot in an airport baggage claim line. Well, apparently many people like the black/red because that price is FULL PRICE. I’m sorry but paying twice as much for red (the grey is half the cost) isn’t worth it.

I hadn’t looked at my missing items list in a couple of months and wow, it floors me how many things I lost when the backpack was taken. There were so many little things that made my life easier in the pack. I keep telling myself, and it is true for the most part, that the replacement items will be superior, but the time and cost of replacing them is daunting. The urgency of needing money saved has complicated the replacement.

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Is The Day Over Yet?

This might jinx things but there hasn’t been a whole lot of stress at work today. I need to have mellow the rest of the week. Well, I’m hoping for no stress and I think if I can make it to Friday, when the next shipment of Star Wars Miniatures arrives, I should be OK.

OK, well so much for non-stress. I knew putting it out there would screw up the mojo. It looks like the rest of the work day I’ll have to be the adult at work, in a room full of adults who want to stress about things they can’t control, obsess about what other people are doing and messaging me, telling me, or otherwise wanting to gossip with me about junk. I tell them all the time it goes in one ear and out the other. I have no power here and you aren’t dropping coins in my cup so I’m not your therapist.

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It’s Getting Real to Me Now

It has been difficult to keep my mind off of the health of my parents. I’m jumpy because I’m the next phone call will be the call I will dread. What worries me, even though my stoic attitude is the best way for me to cope with the issues, is at some point I’m going to lose it and I’m going to hate myself for doing it.

Today at work, just to keep my mind off of it, I started cleaning up after the St. Patrick’s Day pot luck they had yesterday. I didn’t have to but I didn’t want to sit down at lunch and have nothing to do. I’m feeling guilty about purchases I made on Thursday because after I got the news on Friday I realized the few dollars I spent could have gone to funds needed. Walking to work all I could think about was how messed up it is that the company, if I worked for the company, gives only three days off for bereavement, then I got angrier that as a temp employee I get nothing.

I have been living in segments since I got the call Friday from my mother. The days when I work are going to consist of getting to work without a phone call, then surviving the day without a phone call, then getting home without a phone call, then waking up the next morning and hoping there isn’t a phone call. Even though I’m stressed right now I’m in a place I can handle the stress. I know I’m going to have to call my mother before Wednesday, which knowing my mother she will call on Monday.

As I was telling someone today, I’ve been through this situation with my mother before. For the past three years between three to six months there is a crisis that has happened with either her or my father. I get bits and pieces of information, and at the end of the day the issue that is a huge crisis isn’t as big as it was made out to be. That’s why part of me is in kind of denial because I keep thinking this will be another false alarm, however, because I’ve treated the previous issues as false alarms I don’t find myself prepared for this one.

I know there have been a convergence of events that are making this time so urgent and close to the edge for me. I really don’t want a Florida Evan’s moment. I don’t have a punch bowl at home so I can’t smash it dramatically (actually I remember I do have a punch bowl but it is flimsy plastic and would bounce around more than shatter). I don’t feel hungry so no fancy experimental meals. I’m just strained with the stress of scrapping up the money for a trip I don’t want to do.

My hope is, within a few weeks this crisis will be diverted. I used diverted because I have to face the reality that my parents, my father especially, aren’t well. I can’t get caught unprepared when another crisis comes up. So I’m going to be doing a lot of calming Zen meditations and lots of cat talking.

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Well, I Can’t Put This Off

I have a lot on my mind today and it is hard to focus. Like a bunch of other friends I have in RL and through social media, I got hit yesterday with some unsettling news. I have to get focused on some decisions that aren’t going to be easy to make, but I have to adjust some things in my life quickly, probably, so the inevitable results of the news I got can be met with as little pain, psychologically, physically and financially as possible.

OK, so there’s no surprise that my parents are old, and my mother has done the Fred Sanford this is the big one Elizabeth line with me a lot of times, so much so I’m numb to it. I got a call yesterday, with the usual drama I’m used to. It was about my father and her worries and concerns. Like most discussions on the death subject, which aren’t discussion as much as they are promises to talk later which never materialize, this non-discussion hit a bit closer to the mark because the anniversary of my sister’s death is in two days.

I’ve realized I’ve put off, or have conveniently have pushed aside, the arrangements I would need to make in case one or both due die and I have to the my favorite place (sarcasm) in the world; The South. I had the pleasure of heading home yesterday on a bus filled with extras from Night Court, trying to work out how to arrange finances so I can have money set aside for a plane ticket, car rental fees as well as figuring out if my job has funeral benefits (BTW, I found out and its not a lot of time off)

Yeah, lots of fun things to ponder on this week.

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Getting into Sync Before Work

I’m at work right now and I’m feeling a little off. I got what I thought was a good amount of sleep but I’m tired; a little dragging. Riding to work I got a message on Facebook about a friend that troubled me. From someone else, I found out there has been some acting out behavior with my friend. I can’t say it surprised me because I’ve seen signs of possible issues weeks ago. I thought the observations I had were just over interpretation of behaviors since I was going through my own struggles. I thought I was projecting my issues onto them. Seems my concerns about my friend were correct.

I don’t want to go home and rest or anything like that. On days like this, especially slow Sundays, sitting at home watching reruns of Leverage isn’t exciting, the Sunday bus schedule is too restrictive to go anywhere exciting, and right now I’m so low on funds going to a local watering hole wouldn’t be cost effective.

Unfortunately I know there isn’t anything I can do to help my friend. It’s not that I don’t want to help, I probably could offer help to them, but that’s not how we roll with each other. My friend is going through stuff that I can empathize with but I can’t fully understand. I’m not in their shoes and any advice I could give probably would help me more than them. We both know the best we can do for each other is be a sounding board, not an advice station.

Once the calls start coming in I’ll get into efficient cold mode and will be able to deal with the day. I still have a lot of planning to do for a number of upcoming projects I need to revamp, update or start. At some point I’m going to hunker down and get my house cleaned. I get parts of it done, then stop and when I try to go back and start again the place is messy again. It’s discouraging but I’ve been scatter-brained and have been looking for reasons not to clean up. With the projects I have lined up I have focus and I can’t do that in a messy place.

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