April 1 on Facebook I posted that I was ‘let go’ from my job. In fact, the whole department I worked for was ‘let go.’ Man I do hate using euphemisms for some events. I know we use them to soften the blow but really? I, and my group wasn’t ‘let go.’ We were fired. Our services were no longer needed and please turn in your badges before leaving. We got, in my opinion, a puny compensation and, this is the part I loved so much when I was there, we had to sign paperwork before we left that said we would take the money and keep our mouths shut. Again, other words were used but I just want to keep it real. Things were in such a shock I forgot to remove the apples and bananas I left in the refrigerator. I’m sure I won’t be seeing them again.

I’ve been fired before so I know the drill. There’s some time where I start contemplating my worth. There’s a period of moping around, feeling a bit sorry for myself, then desperation kicks in I dive into finding a new line of work. Things are different this time because I’m tired of thinking like I did something wrong in losing my job. Actually, it’s not even that, because I didn’t lose a job. The company I worked for decided to kick us to the curb. As far as I know, none of us were offered other jobs in the company. Years of pep talks from the high up people in the company, talks about how we were a team and how we (and by we I mean our team and specifically me) would always have a job at the company were met with silence. I even sent an email to the three heads of the company, I think in a way of getting some sort of response that we weren’t just collateral after all these years.

I’ve yet to receive a response from them.

Whenever I start to feel comfortable in a job, or when I lose a job, my mind goes back to an old episode of MASH. I can’t remember who the character was, I think it was Hawkeye, but someone mentioned to him how special and unique people were to the war effort. The character responded that the assessment was false. He went through a list of people whom he knew at the MASH unit, how they would either get killed, die or get sent back home, and almost immediately they were replaced. It illustrated how we aren’t anything special in the grand scheme of things. We are nothing but replaceable cogs in the machine.

Now, that can sound very pessimistic but when I think about that it reminds me, a little bit, of the line Conan’s father gave to him about the riddle of steel. We are quick to become a member of the collective. We want to belong. We want to be a part of something greater. Other people, those in power, use that to keep us mollified. The old bosses told us what they needed to tell us for their own purposes, not for our wellbeing. There are things I wish I could mention about the job (damn signed agreement!) but I think I’m within bounds in saying there came a point where we were chattel instead of people. We didn’t have the respect, hell no one gave us the dignity of treating us like they would have wanted to be treated. We were fodder and when our usefulness was over we were cast out.

Trust me, in my guts I want to be mad. In my guts I want to do something but I know the reality of the situation. I’m someone without power. Sure, we could dispute some of the conditions of our departure, but who among us has the money to retain a lawyer to fight it? We have bills due soon and even the crumbs offered to us would keep us going for a bit. In cases like this we are lead to believe they have all the power and to fight is futile.

Now, putting that out there, doesn’t mean a fight is a losing battle, not in the way you would think. Like Kirk, I don’t believe in the no win situation. The most dangerous person is the one who has nothing to lose. Yep, very dramatic sounding words but when you go through a firing a couple of times, and believe me in this day and age it happens a lot more than it should, someone like myself starts to realize all the talk about loyalty to a company, person or business ideal is a sham. You realize to win you have to think about yourself because no one is going to do it for you.

The next few weeks are going to be tough. I’ve had to put in my status change to healthcare.gov so if that get approved then I might have another doctor I have to see. If I don’t get changed then I have to make a decision about monthly payments. I have to start the work for unemployment and then there is the real slog of finding a new job. Can I even find something that paid what I was making (and believe me what I was making wasn’t that good)? On top of everything, at the end of April I’ll be 51 and at that age finding a good paying job, with the ageism out there, may not work out so good.

So there are challenges I have coming up but I’m doing my best not to let that get me down. Gosh, even writing that has a defeatist ting to my ears. It’s not an issue of feeling down. I feel oddly energized. I’m still mad at the corporate suits and that is the fuel I’m using to forge ahead.