Forgive me for being a bit of a rambler at the moment, but I think it’s appropriate considering the circumstances.

Some of you may have seen pictures of a model I met in Mexico a few years ago I posted on various sites. We were working on some business prospects over the past year, and in the past three months things were looking like the timing was going to work out and we could move towards something where I would get more work and her business would grow. Now thinking about things, when I last talked with her was when I was in Mexico trying to get myself together after the news I learned about my father’s illness. She was having a lot of personal and business issues in her life. She was a strong and resourceful woman and I figured she would bounce back after a few weeks. We took some time to talk about our issues and I thought things were looking up after we finished our little pity session. We had planned on getting things finalized in September but after a few emails with no responses I figured she was very busy. It wasn’t unusual for her to take time to get back with me.

Today, on a purely out of body experience whim, I decided to check one of the forums I know she frequents. I was shocked to learn that she was dead of an apparent suicide.

I’m really confused right now. I thought the announcement might be a joke, a prank or just wrong information, but too many people confirmed the information. I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m depressed and disappointed in myself for not seeing the signs of her depression. The last time I talked with her she was very happy in showing me pictures of her children. We talked about a lot of things both business and personal. There were parts of her conversation which seemed depressing, but I was going through my own stuff at the time and I think she was listening to me as a friend and didn’t want to burden me too much with her own personal stuff. She was going through a lot and I gave her the best advice I could at the time.

I’m at such a loss right now. I can go through all the questions as to why she didn’t reach out to me, why I didn’t pick up on things that might have been wrong in her life, but all of that isn’t going to change the fact that she’s gone. She took her own life, leaving three kids behind. I’m feeling more pain than I’d like to admit to myself. I wish I could have done something to help her out, to make her realize people cared about her. That I cared about her.

I miss her so much.

An Update:

I’ve had a chance to settle myself a bit after finding out about my friend committing suicide. I did check a few sources and confirmed she indeed committed suicide by hanging herself. The tough thing I did find out was she killed herself the day after I saw her. That was a real kick in the gut. I’m glad I didn’t get hit with all the news at once because this whole situation . . . it’s just a lot to take in and now knowing I saw her maybe hours before she hung herself has left me numb. I want to thank everyone for the thoughts and prayers they have given me.