In the twenty years I have published Chaotic Fringe, I have had constant reminders of the power of words and ideas. I know when people put out their opinions, we have to be careful and understand what we put out there are just that, OUR OPINIONS. As much as we want to talk about the ideal world, the world that should be, we live in a world that isn’t ideal and perfect. Of course, we have the power to change ideas in the world, over time, but we can’t be so naïve as to think that saying kind words today will transform the world tomorrow.

One reason why I get so angry at ‘preaching posts’ online is that the folks who claim to know ‘truth’ forget they didn’t come born into this world with their ‘truth.’ It took time, it took effort and it took an understanding of how the world really works to get to a point where they could navigate so they could live their ‘truth.’ Sometimes, no make that many times when two groups are trying to get to the same truth, they will snipe at nonsensical issues that divide them while ignoring the things that bring them together.

Case in point is poet, author and activist Olivia Cole. She wrote a recent article for the Huffington Post slamming Steve Harvey for his comments about the sex tape put out by Mimi and Nikko. Oh, you don’t know who Mini and Nikko are? Well, that actually goes to one point I have a contention with. I didn’t know who they were either until ‘controversy’ erupted over the sex tape the couple put out. It’s the same shame / publicity stunt we have become accustomed to in the past year. A person whose only claim to fame is a low rated (in comparison to other) TV reality show has a sex tape rumored to be floating around. Suddenly the sex tape is in the hands of Vivid Video, a porn producer. Crocodile tears are shed because of the shame of the video, money is paid to release the video, and once the video comes out the production value suggests it’s not a stolen private video but a well-orchestrated production to promote the woman.

Steve Harvey went on a radio show and did what any provincial American male would do. He denounced the woman for putting out the video and explained that women should treat themselves with respect, think of their bodies as precious and not let men take advantage of them because once things are on the internet they are there forever. Olivia Cole was upset that Steve Harvey, provincial man that he is, used words and phrases that didn’t uplift women. She accused him of actually shaming women, not letting them feel real power in their sexuality and, shame of all shame, he didn’t admonish men in his rant. He left all the blame, according to her, on the woman.

I agree with everything Olivia Cole said about Steve Harvey. He did come from the slut shaming, Madonna/whore misogynist thinking about women and men. Here’s the problem, we don’t live in the Olivia Cole world of politically correct, everyone is empowered equally world. We live in a world where sex sells everything, where we asked ill equipped boys and girls to navigate adolescence with no knowledge of their bodies, hormones and the long term consequences of actions. Olivia Cole’s methods are probably correct and boys and girls should be taught about respect for women’s minds, but how is that going to happen when in the real world we judge people on body image? We can’t have one option out there when trying to educate people.

In this particular case, we aren’t talking about some barely legal teen like Farrah Abraham or Montana Fishburne that thinks a sex video is a stepping stone to fame. Mimi Faust is in her late 30s early 40s. As the old folks say she should have some sense. She is a grown ass woman and should know the ramifications of putting out a sex video. Yes, I’m concentrating on the woman, just like Steve Harvey did, because the reality is the guy, in the real world, isn’t going to face shame and humiliation. This isn’t the late 80s when Rob Lowe made a sex video and couldn’t get work for over a decade. This isn’t the era when Hugh Grant had sex with a prostitute and his career floundered. Most people can’t name the male partner in celebrity sex videos. The woman’s name is on the box cover, in the promotions and she is the one making the rounds trying to make money off the video.

So yes, I get it that the men are as important as the women in making the video, much as it takes two to tango to have sex. The reality is with sex is if the man wants to leave he can walk away. The woman is going to deal with the pregnancy, the morning sickness and the delivery of the baby. If the man leaves, she is stuck with the baby and all the financial and social ramifications that brings. Women don’t have time to wait for the tide of public opinion to shift to a more equitable footing. Should we strive towards that? Yes we should but we also have to deal with the reality we have now. Olivia Cole and Steve Harvey both want the same thing; women who are proud of their bodies and aren’t shamed or attacked for the decisions they make and men who have respect for the whole woman not just body parts and their performance in bed. Hopefully we will get there someday but we aren’t there now.