A few weeks ago there was an episode of a show called A Gifted Man in which someone had a recurrence of cancer. A doctor on the show was a friend of his, and was trying to give him a lot of advice on what to do about the disease. The doctor was unaware his friend had cancer in the past, and when confronted about this the guy said he didn't want to be 'that guy again.' He didn't want to be cancer guy.

When I heard that it struck a cord. It took many years when I felt comfortable calling my mom and dad once a week at least. It might sound weird, but a lot of times I don't have a lot to say, and calling every week just to say things are fine seemed like such a waste of time. In time I realized it was something my parents needed, and I grew comfortable in making the calls. That was before I became diabetes guy in their eyes. Without fail, every call will focus on how I'm keeping myself healthy. I get tips my mother saw from Dr. Oz. Half of the talks we have deal with how I'm doing with the diabetes and some helpful hint she has learned from someone that might help me. Now that my father has diabetes, she tells me every thing he does to manage the disease. Of course, my parents think of themselves as experts and if I only follow their advice, I too could manage the disease.

It reminds me of a few years ago, before the diabetes, when my mother wanted to make sure I visited the hospital and get tested for conditions that run in my family. She would always ask if I had seen 'my doctor' and I would have to remind her I didn't have one. In my parents world, getting a doctor was no problem, but they never did understand that with my father being retired military with over 20 years of service, their medical bills were mostly covered.

The way a lot of people deal with people with diabetes reminds me of the recent Paula Dean incident. She was diagnosed three years ago but kept it quiet. When she did reveal she had the disease, most people felt it in their right to criticize her for both keeping it secret for so long and promoting meals that weren't healthy considering the disease. I easily sympathized with her and understood why she she kept it secret. People become instant experts when it comes to diabetes, in my opinion. They are quick to tell you what to eat, what to do to maintain health. The disease is going to effect people in different ways. When I get some odd symptoms, I have learned the best thing to do is follow my cravings. Sometimes I need to down a massive amount of fruit. In my current case, drinking massive amounts of water seems to do the trick. Can I explain why? No, but it works.

The thing that I really understand from Dean's silence for so many years, at least from what I can empathize with, is not wanting to be known as the diabetes person. I have good days and bad days. I have days where I find something and I panic that it could be a precursor for something life altering. I know I should check my blood sugar at least once a day, but I check it and wonder what am I going to do to get it lower. I try to find ways of getting medical help but the cost to get help is prohibitive. Honestly, some days I just get tired of dealing with the constant reminders I have this disease that has so much pity attached to it.

I had given some hints on my Facebook page that my past weekend wasn't so fun. While I won't get into the juicy gory details, I caught a glimpse of my worst fear. I realized what it might be like to be nothing but a dependent to someone. As much as I can care about someone, I don't want to be an object of pity. I don't want to be an obligation. I don't want to feel like I'm a leech on someone's life where the end goal (humor added here) is getting paid by the sale of my comic collection. I want to be treated like a human being, not someone's pity payday. Yes, last weekend brought up all the pity fears I have about diabetes and it made me angry.

I refuse to be diabetes guy. I can't live with a situation where I wonder if the kindness I'm getting is out of pity. I can't fool myself and think things will be smooth sailing for the rest of my life. I have some serious waters to navigate and while I would rather not travel them alone, I don't want to have people around me who are helping me out of obligation, pity or looking for a fat payday at the end.

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I Will Not Be Diabetes Guy - March 11, 2012
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