Just a few days before Christmas and I will probably get the site published just before Christmas Day. That was not the original plan, but the holidays can be filled with a lot of little things that nag you. The holidays are supposed to be this time of family get together and for all the good will stuff, but there is so much pressure to be happy and to feel happy, if you don't feel those emotions you feel out of the crowd.

Now, I haven't been that bad. I'm not walking around like a Neil Gaiman character, but I'm not feeling the full happiness of the season. I don't know, I think all the stuff going on with the economy is bringing me down despite my relatively good position. I have some money saved up, but I sacrificed transportation. I don't have a car and while I can survive with it, the key word is survival. We can't keep that survival mentality up all the time or you'll burn out.

I also just remembered that next year I'm going to be 45 years old. I'm not ready for 45. I don't think of myself as 45. I keep looking at myself, see people looking at me and I feel 35. Well, I feel 35 until I get to work and then I feel 55.

Man I never thought I would be the angry young man, or the angry old man, but I think I just need something to rebel against. No, that's not exactly true. I know for most of my life I've been put into particular holes because of whom I appear to be. Because I'm expected to act a certain way because of my looks, but I'm not that person and it throws folks off. People assuming things about me get into all sorts of trouble, because I don't follow the drummer in the band. I dance to my own beat.

I really thought I would be doing something else by the time I was 45, but I'm working on that. I'm not going into specifics right now, because knowing my life there will be some modifications, but there are changes coming in the New Year and I have myself set up pretty good for a lot of things I have planned. I can't say next year will be a great year, but it will be an interesting one.