Slowly Getting My Voice Back

I’m not sure what is going on. I feel like I’m a spokesperson for a medical product when I write something online. Its a few seconds of opinion with a minute or two of disclaimers. Chaotic Fringe, when I’m on fire, it’s opinionated, passionate and fierce. However, I get those times when I need to retreat and get out of the spotlight.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal issues the past year, notably the poor health of my parents. It’s been pretty stressful and honestly I haven’t dealt with the issues too well. As soon as I think I’ve turned a corner, something happens to give me a setback.

This month I was hoping I was turning a corner. Some positive things have happened and I was sure I was moving in the right direction, but this weekend was a slight setback. I found myself retreating to bad comfort behavior. After last weekend doing a lot of activity and energy, this weekend I got thrown off by a number of things and cocooned myself.

I keep beating myself because I know the person I was and I desperately want to be that person again, but I think with the many setbacks I’ve had I’m stuck in a rut and routine I’m slowly becoming comfortable with. I’m struggling to push myself forward.

What I need to remember is I have to push myself forward because I want to do it. As much as I want to look for an anchor, a hope or goal to push me through all this, I can’t rely on a “crutch” to get me through. Here’s the thing; I’ve been disappointed in relying on others to give me strength or to lean on. I’ve had people who have “had my back” but have turned around and wanted to change me. I can’t be accepted for who I am, but I’m supposed to accept them unconditionally for their faults.

I’m trying to find a happy middle.

I don’t know how much of myself is principled and what is old person stubbornness. I’m was feeling I was moving forward until this weekend. Part of the reason I’ve not written a lot is that I feel like I’m having a whine fest, without the Shonda Rhimes engaging dialog. It comes of sounding like a pity party and that’s not I want. I’m struggling to feel confident, to have my voice, and I feel like I’m failing at that. I’m angry and frustrated that I’m writing about all the issues I see before me. That’s what Chaotic Fringe is all about, but I sometimes feel, especially now, that words are not helpful.

I’ve been told what I need to do is reconnect with my passions. That’s been a struggle with my current situation but I have to get myself back to the things that I’m passionate about. I can’t get emotionally dragged down because all that leads to is sitting around and feeling sorry for myself. That only hurts myself and no one else.

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