Bus Thinking

A series of missteps had me leaving later than planned this morning. It set up a bit that caused me to just miss my bus and has me waiting for an hour for the next bus.

I’m watching a drunk couple across from me which is very entertaining. There not loud or abusive but every gesture is slightly exaggerated and overcompensating. He’s trying to make a point and she’s struggling to understand him but neither is on the same page.

That’s how I see relationships; two people on different pages trying to communicate but not doing well. That is a rather cynical look at relationships but I’m not a good read of relationships. 

When I was younger I think I wanted to be in a relationship because it would make my parents happy. It was part of the American dream. Success was built on a partnership, companionship and togetherness. 

I didn’t necessarily want to be alone but for me finding a partner was difficult and there were a few missed opportunities, I think. It’s tough to evaluate possiblites when people don’t speak honestly about feeling. For me, it was easy to shut myself off and be distant on relationships.

One day, I looked up and things were odd. I was happy but I was stuck in a rut. Friends moved on but I was in the same place. Even though I felt stuck I was content because I was surrounded by enough familiar things. I had comics, I had my website and all in all it wasn’t too bad.

Then I had the series of events that had me question things, wondering if I made the right decisions. I was questioning decisions I made based on the opinions of people who didn’t live my life. Since I was second guessing options I began overthinking and made some bad choices.

The good news is I realized and admitted my mistakes and addressed them. I’m understanding my decisions are best for me. I can’t live the life of someone else.

Look, I still think about what could have been. I think about having a family and children, but I’m not sure I’m the long term relationship kind of person. The way I am now, I don’t really see a way of changing things and I’m not sure I want to change. I can complain a little but honestly I like the way I am.

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